I've always been a very social person. Not tonnes of friends but select good ones. After secondary school most of my friends and me became distant. As with a lot of school friendships. However the best ones I still speak to now. A couple of friends I've been friends with since moving to MK when I was 7yrs old. Over the years I've made friends in different places. Some still around, some not. The best friends I've found are the ones who share a similar life to mine. Parenthood.
All my closest friends have kids, a lot of which around my girls ages and in between. Above all it's something we have in common. We can rant, we feel each others pain and we're all tired and stressed together. But we do stupid shit. As mums, things we've all been guilty of!
The first is parent shaming. Some of the time we don't even know we're doing it. We all have our own ideas of the "perfect parent" and the lengths we should go to to fit that image. We all have our own expectations of ourselves and then make ourselves feel bad if we don't do what we expect of ourselves. A lot of this is pulled together from what we see growing up. The way our parents raised us, family and the way they're raised, what we see on telly. Then later on we see our friends who have kids before us, in-laws and people we see around the shops, on the bus etc. Everything we see gives us our own image of what we think a mum should do. Anyone who doesn't fit this image, ourselves included, is Bad. What we don't see amongst everything we've previously witnessed is bad times.
That perfect looking mum who's slim, perfect make up and hair, nice clothes and baby looking like something from a GAP catalogue. She probably spends hours on the morning doing that, that baby probably crawled all over her while she tried her best to do her make up or she could have gotten an hour less sleep to do it. Her house could be a pig sty, perfect is rarely perfect. She could be insecure. She could also, be looking at you, jealous of something you have.
Then mum you see looking a bit tatty, hair a bit of a mess, no make up, hole in her coast etc, for all we know could live in a beautiful 5bed house in a lovely area, kids go to a fantastic school, because her and her husband work their asses off to provide this. She just had a rough day and ripped her coat 5mins before you saw her.
Our houses are our castles. Where's the rule written it needs to be inaccurate at all times. I'd love nothing more then to be able to have a pristine house, but my life is too busy. I'd rather be tired the next day and get the majority of my cleaning done in the evening and when the bubba sleeps then take it out of too much of their time. They won't remember the state of the house, they couldn't care if the dishes are done, that the bath hasn't been flashed or that the beds aren't made. But they'll remember you and the time you spent. I salute those of you, who have nailed your routine down to a T. Your house is pristine and your kids look fabulous and you still manage to make home cooked meals and read to your kids and be a wicked mum! Teach me your ways! We all try our best!
I wanna be the mum/friend who offers help to my friends. I try. A couple of bits I've done that I feel have helped so far. A friend had a new baby, her 2nd and so when I went to the loo (while visiting her) I detoured past her room and folded all her clean washing that was on her bed. Saved her 10mins. It was appreciated. When the same friend had her 3rd baby, I stole (with consent) Her elder two boys for a few hours. We made pizzas and done a scavenger hunt and I took them back a few hours later. It made no difference to me what she did in that time, it helped. It showed Her I was there.
But, helpfulness is often subject to opinion, taking criticism is tough for so many of us, me included but I'm working on it. REAL friends aren't being assholes. They see you may have over looked something or you haven't realised you're making a mistake. Friends should be allowed to tell you. Do you want a "YES ARMY" or a squad of people who have got your back. Everyone makes mistakes, with our kids, our decisions and ourselves but the biggest mistake you can make, is shutting down a friend who has plucked up the courage to bring something to your attention. People have different ideas, a friend could absolutely offer a better idea than you. If your friends had nothing in common with you, you wouldn't be friends?!
Getting offended is subjective, it's down to you as an individual. You cannot always blame others for you feeling offended. It's your lifestyle, upbringing and choices that lead you to that decisions. You don't have to agree and people shouldn't have to agree just because you've decided you're offended.
So, general rules of a successful friendship with other mums:
- be real - be nice but don't sugar coat it, don't let your friends make mistakes
- help them!! A child isn't raised by one person, takes a whole work to imprint right and wrong on a small mind.
- get annoyed, make up, move on, repeat! It's ok!! You're human!!
- try and hang out with the kids and without!
- give each other space and time! You don't need to talk everyday! Don't hold it against each other for not getting back to you straight away!
Feel free to agree or disagree.
I'd love to hear your tips on how to manage a friendship and being a mum 😍
All my closest friends have kids, a lot of which around my girls ages and in between. Above all it's something we have in common. We can rant, we feel each others pain and we're all tired and stressed together. But we do stupid shit. As mums, things we've all been guilty of!
The first is parent shaming. Some of the time we don't even know we're doing it. We all have our own ideas of the "perfect parent" and the lengths we should go to to fit that image. We all have our own expectations of ourselves and then make ourselves feel bad if we don't do what we expect of ourselves. A lot of this is pulled together from what we see growing up. The way our parents raised us, family and the way they're raised, what we see on telly. Then later on we see our friends who have kids before us, in-laws and people we see around the shops, on the bus etc. Everything we see gives us our own image of what we think a mum should do. Anyone who doesn't fit this image, ourselves included, is Bad. What we don't see amongst everything we've previously witnessed is bad times.
That perfect looking mum who's slim, perfect make up and hair, nice clothes and baby looking like something from a GAP catalogue. She probably spends hours on the morning doing that, that baby probably crawled all over her while she tried her best to do her make up or she could have gotten an hour less sleep to do it. Her house could be a pig sty, perfect is rarely perfect. She could be insecure. She could also, be looking at you, jealous of something you have.
Then mum you see looking a bit tatty, hair a bit of a mess, no make up, hole in her coast etc, for all we know could live in a beautiful 5bed house in a lovely area, kids go to a fantastic school, because her and her husband work their asses off to provide this. She just had a rough day and ripped her coat 5mins before you saw her.
Our houses are our castles. Where's the rule written it needs to be inaccurate at all times. I'd love nothing more then to be able to have a pristine house, but my life is too busy. I'd rather be tired the next day and get the majority of my cleaning done in the evening and when the bubba sleeps then take it out of too much of their time. They won't remember the state of the house, they couldn't care if the dishes are done, that the bath hasn't been flashed or that the beds aren't made. But they'll remember you and the time you spent. I salute those of you, who have nailed your routine down to a T. Your house is pristine and your kids look fabulous and you still manage to make home cooked meals and read to your kids and be a wicked mum! Teach me your ways! We all try our best!
I wanna be the mum/friend who offers help to my friends. I try. A couple of bits I've done that I feel have helped so far. A friend had a new baby, her 2nd and so when I went to the loo (while visiting her) I detoured past her room and folded all her clean washing that was on her bed. Saved her 10mins. It was appreciated. When the same friend had her 3rd baby, I stole (with consent) Her elder two boys for a few hours. We made pizzas and done a scavenger hunt and I took them back a few hours later. It made no difference to me what she did in that time, it helped. It showed Her I was there.
But, helpfulness is often subject to opinion, taking criticism is tough for so many of us, me included but I'm working on it. REAL friends aren't being assholes. They see you may have over looked something or you haven't realised you're making a mistake. Friends should be allowed to tell you. Do you want a "YES ARMY" or a squad of people who have got your back. Everyone makes mistakes, with our kids, our decisions and ourselves but the biggest mistake you can make, is shutting down a friend who has plucked up the courage to bring something to your attention. People have different ideas, a friend could absolutely offer a better idea than you. If your friends had nothing in common with you, you wouldn't be friends?!
Getting offended is subjective, it's down to you as an individual. You cannot always blame others for you feeling offended. It's your lifestyle, upbringing and choices that lead you to that decisions. You don't have to agree and people shouldn't have to agree just because you've decided you're offended.
So, general rules of a successful friendship with other mums:
- be real - be nice but don't sugar coat it, don't let your friends make mistakes
- help them!! A child isn't raised by one person, takes a whole work to imprint right and wrong on a small mind.
- get annoyed, make up, move on, repeat! It's ok!! You're human!!
- try and hang out with the kids and without!
- give each other space and time! You don't need to talk everyday! Don't hold it against each other for not getting back to you straight away!
Feel free to agree or disagree.
I'd love to hear your tips on how to manage a friendship and being a mum 😍
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